So  I have no idea who still reads this let alone blog themselves..but thought I’d update this thing!  Its always interesting to read back in what I've down and how far I've grown and changed as a person. Although..I do not intend on reading these..well maybe when Im REALLY old hehe

So whats been going on with me since the last time I blogged..

1. I graduated from UNF with my BSN!!! After a few semesters of almost failing lol and not to mention 2 and half years of my life and world ENTIRELY revolved around school..Im already thinking of going back..but surely not soon though haha
2. Went to Cali and Hawaii for a week!! Popped my Hawaii cherry..and FELL IN LOVE only after 3 and a half days. For sure I intend on going back!
3. Sprained my knee and went to the ER..and also discovered I have very high BP. Ahh!! And to think I considered myself young once ;) lol
4. Developed either tonsillitis or ulcers and lost about 13 pounds!! You know how hard it was for me to not enjoy myself eating! It was SHEER TORTURE!!
5. My house was broken into (while I was in it) and I ended up jumping out of my small ass bathroom window…and the bastards came back again a few times afterwards..can’t believe how the area I live in is turning out to be..
6. After 2 weeks of a review course, daily studying and a test of self-confidence and determination, I PASSED my NCLEX exam on my first try and am now a REGISTERD NURSE!! Although the exam took me a grueling 5 and half hours to take, a couple of times during the exam I wanted to give up..but I kept telling myself I just couldn’t.
7. A friend of mine’s teenage wife and baby girl passed away (and I had become friends with the wife as well)..caused by a coworker/friend of mine that used to confide in me….so tragic I STILL cant believe it. R.I.P. Tiffany and Kaylani
8. Got my HEART broken..and still continuing to have dreams about her for almost 4 months now..2 days ago I had a dream, woke up, and then had a dream about her again..WTF lol but slowly trying to move on since she will be moving soon..
9. Had a couple of job interviews at the very respected Mayo Clinic..did not get the position..but got hired at WOLFSON CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL! Maybe this is a sign..since I really do love children.
10. My mom’s sister came to America for the first time and stayed with us for about a month on a business trip..she LOVED taking care of Eva..and I thank god she was able to come at JUST the right time for my grad and while Eva was still a baby as she had prayed for.
11. So the aunties and uncles are finally coming in..my dad’s sister received her visa and was able to move here from the PI with her husband…they currently moved to Cali and thank god my auntie found a job..also my dad’s brother had his visa approved and will be coming here with his wife and son next month. And although its recession, just the opportunity to be able to get the chance to work and earn money to help with their own families who desperately need it is a blessing all in its own and what we need to realize
12. Three more family members will be coming here and moving into my house (dad’s sister, husband and daughter) within a couple months..and so the grand total lol of people in our 3 bed/2 bath house..10!! It’ll be just like the Philippines! haha..but this will take a lot of sacrifice, support, and finances (including from myself)  to help the relatives start off on the right foot.

So I think that’s most of it, I really have no other words..all I know is that life is continuing to change before our very eyes. We are all getting older, and day by day its ultimately all about becoming an adult.  Im also trying to enjoy life a lot more now and also at what I WANT to do and not always what I NEED to do, which is also important.

We are at this time when times can be very ambiguous, whatever may seem, may not always be..

Another chapter..

Oh how far we've come..

so this semester has officially ended, and like the others it was just as disparate, but unlike others, it produced the most change.

SO many events have shown me that a new phase of my life is about to begin, and there is no turning back now.

The first change I saw was of my brother. We've never really been as close as I would have liked to be, but I did see and learn a lot more from him then I ever have. You know some people wonder when they would ever find love, happiness, acceptance, a friend..and for the first time I saw that glow from my brother which radiated from him in the past few months. For the first time I saw him..

content.

Reaching out, interacting with peers, creating worthwhile relationships, and finally, proving to himself and to us that he was able to take a step forward and find that allusive job. So as you can see it was really a striking blow to him, and to us, to see him feel that first heartache..

it was rather uneasy and surprising when he came to me for help, I never thought I would ever receive that kind of phone call from him before (or any phonecall for that matter that required a conversation lol)..but to take into account everything that has happened, I hope he realizes that he was able to find it within himself to take those steps forward in life because he tried, and I hope that SHE realizes, how much of inspiration she really was to him.

Speaking of realizing what he has also received, but another blessing and that of our neice Eva.

Now he's never said anything positive about her yet, in fact I believe Ive only seen him hold her a few times, but as much as he doesnt show it, I know he truly does want the best for her, as much as we all do.

Its confounding that sometimes my parents and myself cant bear to not see her within a week lol. But if you consider a true miracle and blessing, she is ours, and it was love at first sight. We are not used to seeing another family member other then the 5 of us, I think thats why my dad now loves David lol but I guess realizing that there is a family member so close in proximity to us that we can take care of, watch grow up and actually grow up with, and someone whom we have a chance to see the next day, and who asks for nothing more then just love and nurturing..is why we are all so completely attached to her, I am a very proud uncle, and as my mom told me, she came at the perfect time when I started to miss “my girls” the most.

Id also like to thank god for watching over my dad with an incident he had a few weeks back, we had another scare, but the superman was able to recover, and if I could I would like to shake the hands of the creators of the cell phone lol. It was only a matter of time considering the numerous times week in week out we have fished at such a place with an environment that has loads of potential for danger, that he was able to recover with a less severe injury. May god bless my grandpa too, who also ended up in the hospital that very same day.

Well back to even more change, was the departing of my Integra. I SHOULD be impervious from letting go of just a car, but I just did not realize until I saw it in my driveway completely broken and knowing that he will not work again. then driving home from work and not knowing that someone had already taken it away...I dont know these past 4 and a half years has been full of memories and lifechanging events, and my car was with me through those times. The memories of driving to my nursing school interview, numerous times of driving to see ones with nothing more then a jack hammered heartbeat, the times of just letting it all out screaming my anger, my stress, driving to the beach at 2/3 in the morning to just find peace and relaxation, driving home from rambunctious and amazing fun nights at 4/5 in the morning lol, the laughs shared with just about every friend that I have had who has ridden in my car the past 4 ½ years, the COUNTLESS times of just hoping and hating on a car that just about broke every single part in its body lol and wishing that the engine would start, the times I was left stranded in the parking lots of schools, work, friends places, northside! and the times of just contemplating and risking death..I took him everywhere...

but with a new car, I see this as symbolizing of change, and its time to leave those memories and the past behind.i think its because I had spent so much on just fixing him so he would work again, so many times of hoping that he would start and feeling that elation when he did (you would think itd be best to always work when you start it) lol and the many events that I had in my car, I really am going to miss driving it..afterall you never forget your first car ;) but on to bigger and better things

so back to this semester, I was really looking forward to it because it was perceived as being the most “laid back” and less difficult then previous semesters, but then again I know that nothing in life is easy. I was really glad to get some experience with kids and and since I was fortunate that Eva came at the time I had to learn and take care of babies, my experience with her really gave me that much needed confidence..but.there was another matter at hand..

and its me and those dreaded tests lol Time and time again I would excel in study sessions with my classmates and yet they would end up with a higher grade then me when the actual test day comes..

I came to the conclusion that when I take these tests I have so many people in my mind that I am trying to impress..I say I will do this for my parents..to accomplish what my sister did..for my neices..expectations from relatives who look up to us and believe that we should succeed..as well as constant comparing to my classmates..doing this for myself was last.

I decided to get to the nitty gritty and schedule an appointment with my instructor..after going over my exams she reviewed the questions one on one and told me that I indeed knew all the information..but while I take my tests I either rush or get distracted...now ive been pretty much receiving the grades that was the average of the class which is good and passing..but I wanted to be more then that.. I wanted to be the best that I can achieve...how far can I actually go if I reach my full potential?

I decided that I shouldnt punish myself for not studying enough ..but rather praising myself FOR studying. Not to focus on what would happen if I failed my test but would what happen if I did well on my test..I focused on trying my best because I studied! And hopefully realizing that that is what matters for my family as well. I told myself to slow down..read the question word for word..being confident with my answer..not to look ahead..and to do this foremost for myself..

I would like to thank a few classmates..a very special friend..my mom..and my instructor for helping me so much in realizing to excel..try your best and go above and beyond to succeed.

Lastly, I want to say to the ones that were held back, to not give up hope. I know I even wondered myself what I would do if I didnt make it, but the number one thing is to NOT give up, try harder, become a better person, wipe off the dirt and get back on your feet, because although life may separate people, there are reasons why we sometimes are set in different directions, it really is up to you to figure out what is needed to get to that place and do what it takes to get there. I really am going to miss some of you guys..you became like family to me, dear friends, after going through so much together I wont forget you guys no matter what happens thereafter.

And time goes on

So earlier I became fascinated by something I read while at work. It started a few weeks back, for some reason or another I decided to go to the library and just browse around. I have read a little bit this summer, but I thought about how many more non-school books and easy reading I could do before school starts lol. So I decided to go one last time before august.

I already told myself that starting august its time to start buckling down again, reviewing and studying, and even getting back to waking up early haha!  Since school starts on the 25^th, I still have some leisure time left, but with no studying for a few months (and waking up at about 1130 almost every non-working morning) lol I figured it would be best to do so.

Anyway going back to the library, I walked around the aisles just randomly searching a book that I would be interested in reading. I came upon the history section and World War II. The holocaust is of course a tragic event that everyone knows about, so why would a person want to go back and read about it? after I decided to look anyway, what caught my eye was not the diary of Anne Frank, but another 1^st person story told by a jewish/german 12 year old girl. Born jewish, who spoke German, was raised and lived a German life, it wasn’t until she was put in the ghetto (a place where jews lived prior to being moved to a concentration camp) that she was different, that she could be hated just because of what her race was, there, she realized that she was a jew.  I haven’t finished the book yet, but from what I have learned so far, is that life is not all just about hope.

I have always had in my mind that hope was something you just can not live without, with hope, your belief in a certain prospect that anything is still quite possible. But…what about those jews who had hope that they would be able to live, that they would be rescued, why would the innocent have to suffer, nothing so cruel could prevail. And yes the war ended, but with the price of millions, and the ones who were still alive argue..that hope just wasnt enough, something should have been done sooner. Their despair should in turn have sparked courage.

If you lack courage, you lack fight. It is true, hope is your faith, and the courage you show, are your brave actions. Who knows what may or may not have happened, how could you change what has happened in the past? Why wasn’t anything or anyone to be adamant and stop what was completely wrong? I probably did not word that right lol but I guess what I am going at is that everyone needs courage, and everyone needs hope, one cant live without the other, there are still ifs ands and but’s of our past, we wish to forget the tragedies, but ultimately our past must be acknowledged.

To live with hope, you must be courageous through life’s possible unfairness, or its grueling tests, or even against your fellow man. Go on and beyond past your own horizons, bravery could be rewarded.

I guess recently I have been a bit nervous of the future ahead, without its stops, and with the coming turns, bumps, and twists, I hope that I will not lack the courage, no matter who I meet, or with the people I have met, or are still with me. Lately I question the value of friendship,time and time again I have been shown that I indeed have my friends, but then again I have lost so many as well. I feel like I am 9 again, who can I really trust? I deny what my dad has told me over and over, because these people are whom I cant live without. When the time comes, I will try to be brave.. no matter how much we grow, no matter how much we seperate, and no matter how much i miss them.

a loner...

So its time for another blog! I decided to stay in tonight refusing to go to the bar, the club, and a party..i just..needed to be somewhat in the real world..and after being a little depressed this past week, I realized that I just can’t escape into “that world”

Im 21. and after already being over the club scene about a year or 2 years ago lol Im just about almost done with the bar. Well, that’s just how I feel now. I decided to run when I got home from eating lunch today. For the past 2 weeks it has been a while since I’ve been to the beach, I decided to run there until the sunset.

I usually run because it helps me relieve my tension, makes me feel accomplished, makes me think. But anyway so far on my break I’ve been going to the bar just about every week, (with a few parties to add hehe)..but i’ve lately backed down though because I just see so much around me that is constantly bringing me down, back into the real world. Realizing what is more important, and learning that sometimes, you may pay a price.

problems, lies, unhappiness, happiness, truth. All these range of emotions and what I have seen and heard, it is all getting to me.

Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I fix it? Some are just way beyond my reach. With time continues change, I sometimes say that a positive head is all you need, but is that really enough? I still believe that there are many things I can do, I still believe that there are things still wrong with me, I still believe that life is not perfect, I still believe that I am capable of doing better, I still believe that you just want more from me, I still believe that you deserve so much more, I still believe you love us, I still wonder what truly makes me happy.I hope..that you are happy.

I also now believe that when losing somebody, you gain a chance..

You may gain a story, putting it all together where it is up to you to learn a lesson.

 and the decisions that may lead to one path or the other. Will you allow that person to come back onto your path?

Constantly moving on..

I am also happy for my brother, for my best friend(s)..but what do I have to do..why do I overlook sometimes, so blind, looking for perfection, but that’s not what it is..

Sigh..will it find me..or will I find it??

As you can see, I am a bit conflicted lol. I will constantly continue to try, I will accept, I will not pms lol, maybe I do need (text) books to keep me busy!  Anyway im going off on a tangent so I just want to say..let’s see how it goes..

A tribute to the ladies

Okay so i said I'd blog about mothers day lol but u know how things turn out ;) Anyway it was a wonderful day for us. During our lunch together we all mostly talked about the expecting baby, which we just can not wait for. We talked about how things would change, the wonderful ideas that we had for the future, and even though she is not here yet, so far I feel like she is already bringing the family closer..Maybe its because this is just a new life, with so much potential, so much love that we can give..and I pray that the baby and my sister will be healthy through this miracle.

just about 4 months to go!

Anyway, speaking of mothers day i thought i'd contribute this blog to the wonderful women who have made such an impact in my life. Its already enough (but Im fine with it) hehe to see so many girls every single day during nursing school for the past year. And I have never seen such strong, intelligent, and driven girls. It amazes me that in a field which is considered feminine, the few guys that we have (including myself) lol, consider this to be even tougher then we ever imagined. Its not just a test of skills, grades, papers etc..but its also a test of your emotions, and your connection with people, and I feel like I learned so much.

I admire my classmates, as well as I admire my really good friends. They dont even know how much I learn from them. And of course, the 2 most important women in my life, my mom and my sister..who are also wonderful role models. I actually had one talk with my mom a couple months ago while I hit one of those rough spots, and when she told me that I was living out her dream, I questioned what she meant. She told me that growing up she actually wanted to be a nurse, and to see my sister and now myself acheiving her dream,  I was really happy I was able to do this not just for me but for her as well.

You know, I really wouldnt even have considered the field of nursing if my sister wasn't one, and also of my other cousins who are nurses too, and who are currently in nursing school. For that I consider myself lucky because I am able to go down the same road as they have, and I am able to gain advice that all of them have given me in which I will never forget. Besides, its in our blood.

I am also thankful to have women in my family, my aunts, who were able to move out of the province into the city (all my uncles are still in the province). Im able to see how achieved, goal-oriented, and successful they have become. Thats not to say that my uncles are not successful, they are strong-willed men who continue to work very hard, but Im also happy to see that in my generation, the men are continuing to do better. ALL of them I continue to admire, my uncles just being a little unlucky, but I am still able to see the chances that we must make in order to live a better life. And with the combination of hard work ethic, survival, and family that all of us possess no matter where we are and where we live, it is all possible.